I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
