You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
