Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So squirting runs in the family.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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