you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
