Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
