I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
