i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
