she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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