I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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