??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
