I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
