I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
