You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
