I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
