my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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