I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
