She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
