Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
