Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
