is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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