Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
