some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
