what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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