there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I am one with the molecules
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
