I molested 6 butterflies tonight
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
