batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
