I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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