dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
