Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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