Sober January is a disaster.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
