there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Even my vagina gasped.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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