in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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