My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
