you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
