So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
