I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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