It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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