I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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