the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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