Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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