I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
