I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
