I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
