i already hear my dad disowning me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
