I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
