some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
