nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
