her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
