Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
