Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
