my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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