2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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