That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
