i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
