Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
