I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
