being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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