I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
