I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The Olympian is in my bed
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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