i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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