I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
