Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
