I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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