Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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