I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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