It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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