There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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