I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
